What's your biggest fear?/Qual é o teu maior medo?

Note: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure” Marianne Williamson

One more year as come and gone. One more year of adventures and new challenges. One more year of travelling and new beginnings. One more year of people met and friendships strengthen. One more year of feeling that’s not enough…that I haven’t done enough.

Year after year I’ve been overwhelmed with the pressure, a pressure that comes from no other than myself. I set the bar too high for myself, I hold myself to standards that I don’t demand from others, I see every mistake as a failure. I don’t know where this comes from, maybe it’s because I’ve always felt like I had to justify my presence in this world, earn it.

I remember being in grade school and wonder how the world would be if I wasn’t in it. I was a happy child, it wasn’t a depressive thought, I wasn’t wanting not to be in it, I was just curious of how much of a difference one life could make. I still am, up to this day. 

The years keep passing by and though I feel quite blessed with the journey I’ve been allowed, I still fear to look back one day and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing, that I’m leaving this world without leaving my mark on it. Perhaps that’s a presumptuous thought to have, to want to have that kind of impact, but I’ve always dreamed big.

I used to think that I was afraid of not being good enough, now I fear that I have more in me than I can handle. I fear that I have in me the power to make a difference and that I’m wasting it, that I won’t be able to fulfill my potential simply because I can’t overcame my own demons. 

All the beautiful things that people say I can do, I fear that I won’t. I fear that I won’t be able to own up to their expectations, or worst, to mine!

That’s why I’m restless, that’s why I have to keep moving, to keep challenging myself. I need to find my stage, my spot to make a stand. I don’t know how or when, but the things I’ve set up myself to do, I can’ make them from my comfort zone. That’s why I fight settling down with every fiber of my being, because I know the moment I allow myself to get comfortable all the dreams will die.

“O nosso maior medo não é sermos inadequados. O nosso maior medo é possuirmos um poder desmedido” Marianne Williamson

Mais um ano que foi e veio. Mais um ano de aventuras e novos desafios. Mais um ano de viagens e recomeços. Mais um ano a conhecer pessoas e a aprofundar amizades. Mais um ano a sentir que isso não é suficiente… que eu não fiz o suficiente. 

Ano após ano tenho lutado contra a pressão, uma pressão infligida apenas por mim mesma. Sou eu que coloco a fasquia demasiado alta, sou eu que me obrigo a corresponder a padrões que não exijo a mais ninguém, sou eu que vejo cada erro como um fracasso. Não sei de onde é que isto vem, talvez porque sempre senti necessidade de justificar a minha presença neste mundo, de merecê-la.

Lembro-me de estar na escola primária e imaginar como seria o mundo se eu não estivesse aqui. Fui uma criança feliz, não era um pensamento depressivo, não era que não quisesse estar neste mundo, apenas tinha curiosidade de quanta diferença uma vida podia fazer. Ainda hoje tenho.

Os anos continuam a passar, e apesar de me sentir muito abençoada com a minha jornada até agora, ainda receio olhar para trás um dia e sentir que não fiz nada, que estou a deixar este mundo sem nele deixar a minha marca. Provavelmente é um pensamento presunçoso, querer ter tamanho impacto, mas sempre sonhei grande. 

Costumava pensar que tinha medo de não ser boa o suficiente, agora receio ter mais em mim do que consigo gerir. Tenho receio de ter em mim o poder para fazer a diferença e estar a desperdiçá-lo, receio de não ser capaz de atingir todo o meu potencial simplesmente por não conseguir ultrapassar os meus demónios internos. 

Todas as coisas fantásticas que as pessoas dizem que posso fazer, receio que não possa. Receio não conseguir corresponder às suas expectativas, ou pior, às minhas!

Por isso a minha inquietude, por isso esta necessidade de continuar em movimento, de me continuar a desafiar. Preciso de encontrar o meu palco, o meu lugar para fazer a diferença. Não sei como ou quando, mas as coisas que me predispus a fazer, não posso fazê-las sem sair da minha zona de conforto. É por isso que luto contra criar raízes com cada fibra do meu ser, porque sei que no momento que me permitir ficar demasiado confortável todos os sonhos morrerão.

Insomnia - II

You’ve followed through with the plan, trying to get some rest, and yet you lie in bed wide awake while the clock keeps ticking in the darkness of the night. 

There’s an inner fight inside your brain, as one part begs the other to let go of the thoughts just for one night. But it doesn’t, they never stop coming. 

You’re tired, you’re actually tired, and you can’t understand how it is possible to be so hyper aware when you’re this exhausted. 

There’s a needy side of you that comes out in nights like these, a side that you don’t necessarily appreciate, but with it also comes the honesty, a raw honesty that you don’t usually allow yourself. You’re not exactly sure why, probably because you’re just too exhausted to filter. Regardless, you’ve learned to use it on your behalf, to allow yourself to put in words what you don’t usually say, and hopefully share it before the morning hits and rationality takes over. 

The endless nights that can be both your best friend and worst enemy. Where you can find comfort in its silence or be sucked in the rabbit hole once again.

There are techniques you’ve developed over the years, some that you started using when you were only a child, not even aware that this could be a problem. Some of them still carry you through the long hours most of the nights. You’ve taught yourself to dream even if awake, you’ve build your very own world, and most times it makes it manageable. But it’s not always enough. Some nights the force that takes over your thoughts is darker, deeper, you think about everything and nothing at all at the same time. You’re hit with waves of panic for no apparent reason, you’re overwhelmed with a sense of loss that you can’t quiet place, you think about those who are far and the ones that are gone, the ones that you miss without having never met them. In nights like this you review your whole life, you rethink every single choice you’ve ever made, replay every single word said or left unsaid. 

Waiting for the morning, that’s all you can do, there’s no way around it. The morning will come, regardless of the fact that you have slept or not, you’ll carry on with your obligations throughout the day just hoping that you can wear yourself down enough not to have to cope with another sleepless night.