Breathe in, breathe out

There’s nothing major going on and yet your mind is running 1000 mph. you’re exhausted, but a rush of adrenaline takes over and won’t let you stop. You can’t relax, and at the same time you don’t seem able to focus on anything long enough to make it productive.

Your heart beats fast inside your chest and suddenly you feel trapped inside your own home. You take a breather and walk out. Thinking the fresh air might help. Hoping observing other people takes you out of your own head.

You start moving and find your pace, headphones in your ears to prevent you from hearing the voices inside your head, and you focus. You focus really hard not to focus on anything at all. It seems simple enough, but not for you, always wired up.

You find your rhythm, the songs filling your head, but still there’s something not quite right.

You’re hyperaware. The smallest movement makes you startle and there’s this tightness in your chest you can’t explain. You force yourself to push through, though at this point you know it’s not working.

You try to ignore the signals you know all too well. Hoping you can snap out of it before it’s too late, but you feel the doubt creeping in, the self-loathing peeking out and you know you might just lose this battle. 

Words aren't enough

Do you ever feel like words aren’t enough to describe the dizzying array of thoughts that goes inside you? Like you’ve tried to use all of them, in different languages and combinations, and yet can never find a way to send the message across?

How can something that you feel so clearly, that has been with you for as long as you can remember, be so hard to explain?

There’s a tide of thoughts that floods every single moment of your life, that prevents you from sleeping, that takes over your dreams and makes it impossible to enjoy anything 100%, and yet, when it comes to this you can’t seem able to make a single coherent sentence.

Maybe this inability is fueled by the inconsistencies within yourself. The antagonistic sides of you. The ones you can’t find balance for. The person that trusts no-one and sees the world as a dark place, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always imagining the worst possible scenario, versus the naïve romantic one that desperately wants to believe in fairytales. The one that vows for protection and preaches reliability, but whose true self nobody knows.

So many thoughts and feelings going through you at all times that it’s hard to keep up, hard not to skip a bit. So much to say and yet most times it’s like there aren’t enough words to neatly sum up what you feel.

I miss you

I miss you!

I miss your smile,

And how you sough my embrace for comfort.

I miss your crazy ideas,

And the stubbornness in your eyes.

I miss your hugs,

And the complicity only we shared.

I miss the tears,

And how I was the one who could make it all better.

I miss the games,

And the simplicity of everything around us.

I miss your voice,

And even more the sound of your sweet words.

I miss what we became,

And how protective of eachother we were.

I miss the fights,

And the determination behind your every move.

I miss our laughs,

And how we understood eachother without words.

I miss the hard times,

And how despite the frustration we fought them together.

I miss the lazy days,

And how we could entertain eachother for hours.

I miss you singing,

And sharing with you the songs that were meaningless to anyone else.

I miss your clinginess,

And the way you called my name.

I miss us,

And how fiercely we loved eachother.

I miss you…

And I miss not knowing you could miss someone so much!

You never want to stop moving, but you wonder if the day will come when you can finally find yourself at home.

Though you don’t think the joy of always being on the road will ever lose its magic, a person eventually needs to find her place in this world.

The mysteries of the human soul that both intrigue and despise you, might never lose its charm, but there are only so many lives you can love and walk away from before it becomes unbearable. And for someone usually so guarded, you sure have lost quite a few pieces of your heart throughout the journey.

Perhaps the urge to never stay too long in one place comes from the inability to bond with others, but then why are they always on your mind?

You carry so much inside that it’s ironic how you can so easily pack up and go when truth is, you have more luggage than an airport.

Each stop means one more package, one more story you’ll pretend not to get attached to. Every goodbye means one more compartment, one more box, closed and put away in the back. All of it there. One after the other, until the weight of it becomes too much, until the day you won’t be able to pretend anymore.

Ten/Dez

Nota: Versão Portuguesa mais abaixo.

Time works in a funny way.

There are moments where one minute seems to last a lifetime, others when a full year seems to vanish in a blink of an eye, and then there are the ones you can’t quite place.

You achieve so many time milestones throughout life, and when you look back it’s odd, because in one hand it feels like it was yesterday, but in the other hand it feels like a lifetime ago.

The core hasn’t changed. You’re still the same person you used to be, and yet you are different in so many ways. You’ve done so many things, met so many people, survived so many challenges that maybe that’s the reason why, in a way, you didn’t notice time flying by. At the same time, so many fears are the same, so many insecurities remain, so many questions still haunt you that there are nights you wonder if time has moved at all.

You look back at the 17 year old version of yourself, so lost, so scared, but also so full of dreams and expectations and you can’t help but wonder if you’re doing enough to fulfill them.

You look at that younger version of yourself that people thought they knew, and wonder how many have been surprised with how you turned out. You know you have! If you would go back and tell your 17 year old self half the things you’ve done, I’m quite sure she would laugh at you, because there’s no way that young girl could have ever imagined this path.

So many certainties were squashed during the process, not all in a bad way! Some great things have remained constant in your life despite the commotion. Some you weren’t sure that would. Some you weren’t sure you had in you to make it work through time and distance. But somehow, when you weren’t even looking, it all worked out.

You remember some moments and nostalgia eventually hits you hard for a moment, but you wouldn’t want to go back. Firstly, because those weren’t always easy times and even though pictures only capture the smiles, the tears shed over those periods still feel very real to you, but mostly because there are no regrets. Because “everything I’ve ever done, every choice I’ve ever made, every terrible and wonderful thing that has happened to me, it’s all led me right here, to this moment”*, and I may not be the happiest person on Earth, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

*Nathan Fillion as Richard Castle In Castle S06e15

________________

O tempo funciona de forma engraçada.

Há momentos em que um minuto parece durar uma vida, outros em que um ano parece desaparecer num piscar de olhos, e outros ainda que não consegues exactamente definir.

Atingimos tantos marcos temporais ao longo da nossa vida, e quando olhamos para trás é bizarro, porque por um lado parece que foi ontem, mas por outro parece que foi noutra vida.

O coração não mudou. Ainda és a mesma pessoa que costumavas ser, e ainda assim és diferente de tantas maneiras. Fizeste tantas coisas, conheceste tantas pessoas, ultrapassaste tantos desafios que talvez seja por isso que não te tenhas apercebido do tempo a passar. Ao mesmo tempo, tantos medos são os mesmos, tantas inseguranças se mantêm, tantas perguntas ainda te assombram que há noites em que te perguntas se o tempo se moveu de todo.

Olhas para trás, para a versão de 17 anos de ti mesmo, tão perdida, tão assustada, mas também tão cheia de sonhos e expectativas, e não consegues deixar de questionar se estás a fazer o suficiente para realizá-los.

Olhas para essa versão mais jovem de ti mesmo que todos pensavam conhecer, e imaginas quantos se surpreenderam com o teu desfecho. Surpreendeste-te a ti mesma! Se pudesses voltar atrás para dizer à tua versão de 17 anos metade das coisas que fizeste estou certa que se iria rir, porque é impossível que aquela jovem pudesse imaginar este caminho.

Tantas certezas foram esmagadas durante o processo, nem todas no mau sentido! Muitas coisas importantes mantiveram-se constantes na tua vida, apesar de todo o tumulto. Coisas que não saberias se se manteriam. Coisas que não sabias se serias capaz de manter apesar do tempo e da distância. Mas sem saberes bem como, quando não estavas com atenção, tudo acabou por se resolver.

Lembras alguns momentos e inevitavelmente a nostalgia acaba por te atingir com força, mas não gostarias de voltar atrás. Primeiro, porque esses tempos não foram sempre felizes e apesar das fotografias só captarem os sorrisos, as lágrimas derramadas ainda são bem reais para ti, mas principalmente porque não tens arrependimentos. Porque “tudo o que fiz, todas as decisões que tomei, todas as coisas horríveis e maravilhosas que me aconteceram, me trouxeram a aqui, a este momento”*, e eu posso não ser a pessoa mais feliz do mundo, mas não mudava nem um bocadinho. 

*Nathan Fillion com Richard Castle Em Castle S06e15

Serendipity

Nota: Versão Portuguesa mais abaixo.

Sometimes I remind myself that I almost didn’t go to that training, that I almost didn’t see that email, that I almost went to a different city, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything.

Taking a chance, when everyone thinks you’re being crazy. Feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and hoping for you dear life to be right.

I look back and wonder how differently things would have turned out if I had taken that call, if I had gone to a different school, if I had listened to what everyone else was saying.

I remember the pain I felt in some of those moments, being so lost, so lonely, so scared of what the future was holding. Feeling like my plans were slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I almost didn’t go to that interview, that I almost didn’t miss that plane, that some of the best things in my life happened because the plan failed…

We think it through, we plan it out, we try to be prepared, but how much can we actually control?

Sometimes I remind myself that I almost didn’t meet some of the most important people in my life, that I almost let my fears win, that I was almost willing to give up.

Sometimes I just have to remind myself how so much of our lives are simply fortunate strokes of serendipity.

 _______________

Às vezes relembro-me que quase não fui àquela formação, que quase não vi aquele email, que quase fui para uma cidade diferente, que o capircho de um minuto podia ter mudado tudo.

Arriscar, quando todos pensam que estás louco. Sentir o peso do mundo nos teus ombros e rezar, pela tua vida, para estares certo.

Olho para trás e imagino como as coisas seriam diferentes se tivesse atendido aquela chamada, se tivesse ido para uma escola diferente, se tivesse dado ouvidos ao que toda a gente estava a dizer.

Lembro-me da dor que senti nalguns desses momentos, tão perdida, tão só, com tanto medo do que o futuro iria trazer. Sentir os planos a escorregar por entre os meus dedos sem conseguir fazer nada para o impedir.

Às vezes tenho de me relembrar que quase não fui àquela entrevista, que quase não perdi aquele avião, que algumas das melhores coisas da minha vida, aconteceram porque o plano falhou…

Pensamos muito, planeamos, tentamos estar preparados, mas até que ponto temos algum controlo?

Às vezes relembro-me que quase não conheci algumas das pessoas mais importantes da minha vida, que quase deixei os meus medos vencerem, que quase estive disposta a desistir.

Às vezes simplesmente tenho de me relembrar como tanto das nossas vidas resulta simplesmente de acasos afortunados. 

Beauty

There’s so much beauty in this world. Beauty everywhere, in everything, if you just look close enough, with the right eyes.

Beauty where the land kisses the sea, beauty in the green fields and sandy roads, beauty in the smiles of the people you come across, beauty in the stories their eyes tell without words.

Despite the misery, the dirt, the garbage, the needs… there’s still beauty.

Beauty in the simple pleasures, the little things you usually take for granted. Beauty in the differences cultures can have.

There’s beauty in the way human beings can find comfort in so little, beauty in the way they share when they have as little as nothing.

There’s so much beauty in this world, often disguised or forgotten by the tragedies that walk right by its side, it’s a fact, but still… so much beauty.

There’s so much beauty in this world that sometimes it’s hard not to be in awe, not to lose yourself observing everything and everyone. Hard to take it all in. Hard to just enjoy every bit of it without thinking of anything else but that moment.